Living with PTSD
I used to be afraid of the night falls and the darkness of my bedroom. I used to ask the Lord, “Don’t make night come tonight, don’t let me fall asleep,” but when the night did come I turned on my lamps and I read my Bible until I would fall asleep.
I’d wake up in the middle of the night with horrifying images on my mind. I once dreamed about a bloody demon devouring a child with his sharp teeth. There was tender flesh dripping from his mouth and he laughed endlessly. The background screams of people in agonizing pain were chilling. Military death scenes seem less frightening than these dreams. I’d cry for hours begging the Lord to heal me.
On August 2016 I sought help from Biblical Counseling Center because the PTSD symptoms manifested so intensely I began to live in a dimension of torturous dreams so immense I believed I belonged in a mental institution or that I should kill myself.
I’m no longer afraid of the darkness of the night nor of falling asleep; and I have developed a routine that helps me overcome the symptoms.
Since I am not able to move or speak paralyzed by the terror and physical pain (yes, I feel physical pain) I pray; “This isn’t real. God. Please help me! Satan is a liar. It’s just a dream. Holy Spirit wake me up!”
I wake up! I’m in my bed experiencing vertigo. I close my eyes and wait for it to be over. I try to regulate my breathing and even though my head is pounding I ignore it. I repeatedly tell myself, “This isn’t real. I belong to Christ.”
I roll out of bed. I slowly walk to the bathroom feeling the weight of the world knowing that if I make it to the bathtub and get into the water it will all wash away. I stop to look into the mirror, I look frightened and extremely tired, yet I tell myself, “you look so beautiful.” I take a pill for the headache and I prepare my bath with little strength.
As the water runs I hug my legs curled up in silence remembering the Scriptures that counterfeit the dreams, “We have victory in Christ. We are the head and not the tail. I am your beloved. You allow this so that I may cling onto you. I have peace. I am sane. This is normal. I am not crazy. It’s a mental disease because I was raped as a child; but, it’s not happening to me anymore. It’s all in the past. I am a new creation. I am new! The Holy Spirit is in control! You are my God! I am yours! Satan cannot touch my body! My body and my mind belong to you! I am stronger than I was. I am sealed by you. You use me for your glory.”
I fight this for about an hour.
I then come out of the bathtub feeling refreshed and new. I inhale the scented calming oils and lotions, and I lay on my bed preparing my mind to start my day at 5:30 am. Then I go about my day.
The following morning I repeat the same routine. But, each dawn I am a little stronger and I am not alone. The Holy Spirit fights for me and the victory of Christ belongs to me. I am daughter of the King and His warrior princess. Christ will not allow me to fail. I am conquering PTSD.