Right now God is not enough. He has always been more than enough. But, lately He has not been enough. At times He is. And I have been praying and literally crying out to Him to fill me with His presence and to guide me and to help me trust Him; but, most of the time I just don’t. Often I wonder if He’s even real. Or if He hears me. I feel forgotten by Him. The Christian life feels so surreal. I used to have a childlike faith. I miss it.
I am constantly gasping for air. There’s always a pressure in the middle of my chest. I find myself breathing heavily not being able to catch a solid breath. What does this mean?
Lately, I’m not able to label my emotions. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I want to cry and not stop until I fall asleep, but I also want to suppress everything, not think about a thing ‘till morning; ‘till I have to do it all over again. I used to be able to walk by faith and not in my emotions. Now, my human desires get in the way.
I was talking to God. I asked Him, “If I’m your princess, then why haven’t you given me my Fairytale? What do you want with me? Am I even real? It’s so overwhelmingly painful I can’t feel myself anymore. You came to me. You made promises. You gave me hope, hope that has now expired. What do you want from me? I have nothing to give you. I’ve never had anything for you. You washed me clean. Why did you placed me in a crystal like cage? No one has access to me. I am hidden away. No one can touch me. I am high above the ground. I cannot be reached. I see their eyes, they look at me. I know their intentions; some have good ones others don’t, but it doesn’t matter because I cannot be reached. Should I allow myself to feel and go through the pain? It’s painful either way. Speak to me. Tell me your plan. I will follow it because I have nowhere else to go. No one else has words of life. Speak to me! Tell me, where do I go? I want you to be enough; I need you to be enough. I miss when you were enough. I firmly walked away from so many harmful things that seemed appetizing. Please become my fountain, become enough!”