Messy Like a Child in the Father’s Presence

It is soooo much easier to be messy than to be on point. That’s why I’m learning to rest in God’s grace and love in the mist of my short comings, fears, doubts, faithlessness, and weaknesses.

By Manuel Rocha (when he was a child). Water colors.

Me talking to myself, “It’s ok. It’s ok babe.”
I was feeling weird one morning. I didn’t know why. I wasn’t feeling sad nor negative, nor discontentment, nor tired. Just weird. But I was desiring love from the Father. I got on my knees and rested my head against the edge of my bed.
As I listened to the song “I Surrender,” YHWH encountered me. His loving arms came and hugged me. His face caressed mine. Our noses touched, our foreheads touched, and He loved on me with sooo much tenderness and patience.
 He said, “I’m here. Just rest in me.” I smiled, I said, “I love you my Papa (Spanish version of papá).” And all the sudden a waterfall of tears burst out of me. I told Him, “My papa I don’t know why I’m crying and  I feel so loved and held by You.”
He said, “Just cry. Let it out. I just want to comfort you. Rest.”
He created space for me to cry when I didn’t even know I needed to. I realized I was feeling overwhelmed by all the things I have to get done. I was feeling scared that I didn’t have the right information to complete my tasks. I was feeling cheated by the system. I was feeling that people need and want my attention. I don’t like feeling needed…
 …But I also noticed that my faith in God has grown because I had no doubt that He will meet all of my needs. I felt so confident in His love for me.
I realized it and became grateful that I am no longer angry with YHWH. After decades I finally said His name with my breath and it tasted sooo sweet and felt so cuddling.
I told Him, “I’ve missed you Papa. I love you soo much. Thank you.”
I cried and felt like a little kid in His rocking, tender arms.
He said, “I’ve missed you more. I’ve never judged you, nor condemned you, I do not want to punish you. I want to love you into healing. I want to meet your needs. I’m always with you.”
I didn’t want to leave that moment, but He said I needed to do homework. LOL!
He asked me, “What do you want to do first? Eat? You want eggs. Write? Go to the gym? Then Homework? It’s one thing at a time. Step-by-Step my darling. Don’t be overwhelmed. Enjoy it all. I’m in all things.”
He gave me permission as a little kid to write all over the walls and later we’d have fun together as we clean them up.
So, I got up and started my day.
It’s ok to be messy.
We are allowed to be messy in our Father’s presence.

I love YOU My Papa!

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