I Know You Immensely

My son I know that you are about to become a full man and you have never known the love of a father. You have never known true and unconditional affection from a godly man. I know that this has affected your identity and your view of God in ways you cannot yet articulate. This is what stings me. This is the one thing that I cannot fix for you.

I need you to understand how immensely I know you and how profoundly I see your heart. Allow me to tell you what I see in your heart:

Photograph taken by Acsa Salguero

I don’t know if my mother loves me enough. Why did she have me? Why didn’t she try harder to give me a dad? God, why didn’t You give me a dad? I’m never going to know what it means to be a man from a man’s perspective. I only know my mother’s perspective and hers is tainted by her trauma. How am I suppose to understand my masculinity? What is masculinity in light of women? In light of men? In light of God? Who am I? Why am I here? WHY?

Agggghhh, I hate you God! I hate you because you allowed my mother to be raped. I hate you because you didn’t give me a dad. I hate you because my friends are in pain. I want to save them! I hate you God because I continuously sallow up all of my discontent.

My mother wants me to be perfect. She wants an angel of a son. She always has high expectations; she wants me to be a perfect student, a perfect athlete. She thinks I’m too young to fall in love. She wants me to be a virgin until marriage.

I am not allowed to feel. I am not allowed to be angry. I am not allowed to question you. I am not allowed to have needs. I have placed my mother’s needs above mine. I do not feel so she can be ok. I’m always the last one. I never have any space. I am not free. I feel like a caged bird; a thirsty bird whose wings have been cut off.

My prayer has always been for everyone I love to be happy. I want everyone to be ok. I know that Jesus is the answer, but I can’t share Jesus because I feel that I’d be selling a false product.

God said that His people would rejoice and be victorious, but this is not what I see. I see temptation overtaking His people. I see suffering in the house of the Lord. I see pain and confusion. Your Word and Your People’s lives do not match!

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know anything!

Baby boy, I know growing up you thought I was a super hero. You thought I was perfect. Now that you are older you see that it isn’t true. I’m sorry for the disappointment. I’m glad that now you can see my humanity.

Darling, I’m sorry for my pain bestowed upon you, it was never yours to carry. I wish I could heal your heart, but I cannot mend it for you. Your walk with God is your own.

Momo, I cannot give you what you want, but I can stand beside you. I can hold you. I can pray with you about your friends and about your desires. I can assure you that you can feel and its ok to have needs. I can assure you that God is not afraid of your anger and your doubt. He welcomes it my love. He wants you to bring your hate to Him.

My love, I have given you my money, my time, my youth, my singleness, my philosophy and my instruction, my fractured love. I have sheltered your heart and your mind as best I could, but best of all I have given you my faith. My boy, I have given you my treasure, knowledge of my LORD.

Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, know that this is not a permanent condition of your heart; these are your teen years talking. I do ask you to let me guide you. Let me help you make connections between your theology and practical life. Let me help you sort your heart out; for this is what is left to give you. Darling see how immensely I know you, I carry you in my heart.

After my baby read this he stated that for the longest time he thought I knew him a 4 out of 10, but now he knows I know him a 9 out of 10. He nearly cried to know how closely and with how much detail I have been observing him his entire life.

I know the condition of my flock.

God knows us even deeper and He cares even more.

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