My Note to a Brother in Christ
God has been teaching this to me the last few months: to feel the pain and not dismiss it. I tried so hard to run away from pain that I drugged myself with everything I could before I knew Christ. When I met Christ I drugged myself with Him. I was using God instead of allowing Him to heal me. In class we are reading a book and it talks about feeling pain. Now, I see the beauty in pain and suffering. It’s how we grow into being more like Christ. It’s how we learn to love others.
Do you remember when we went to eat at Three Arts Club Cafe you asked me, “Sister, you don’t believe in redemption?” You were referring to that man (he actually did rape my sister). That question is still on my mind, “Do I believe that God can redeem sexual predators?” Yes, I do. But, I want them supper far away from me and my people. The crazy thing though, is that I want God to heal me to perfection, that I will be able to love sexual predators and one day counsel them. This will be my victory over Satan. One day. I will not be afraid of this anymore.
This pain does push me forward. I can finally let myself feel. I don’t try to numb it any more, I go to sleep with it and I laugh about it sometimes because God is in control.
Can I confess to you…
I’m afraid of men. I always find myself shaking and entering anxiety when a man approaches me. But, I can be a pretty good actress. Lol. The Lord has used Pastor and you in different ways in the past, and now too, to help me heal from that fear. The Lord is also bringing into my life so many amazing men of God in school that I admire. Both professors and peers. This too heals my heart. You know, God is teaching me to enjoy the presence of my brothers. I really enjoy your presence even if it’s a few minutes at a time (I say this in the most godliest form, wrapped around by the Holy Spirit).