You are Perfect in Every Way
Worthless!!! Worthless!!!! Worthless!!!!!”
A tempest of tears stream from my eyes down to my hoodie.
I can’t make since of the perfection he listed with such detail:
“You are perfect in every way.
I love everything about you; the way you think, the way you carry yourself.
You are confident and beautiful inside and out.
I love your heart, the way you love God, you are obedient to Him and you have compassion for people.
I love your smile and your dimples.
I love the powerful woman you have become and you’re only going to get better. Damn.
You are perfect in every way. You live a life as perfect as its going to get here on earth….
And that is why I can’t, because I cannot be the man that you need me to be. You deserve the best. You deserve everything you want. I know what you want, I am not that, I cannot give that to you. If we try and fail, then what? You won’t be in my life anymore? What’s going to happen then?”
After his sweet rejection he said repeatedly, “Please never change, you are perfect in every way. Please, please don’t ever change. Don’t ever change please.” It seemed as though he was begging for my confirmation that I would remain the same. But, Why? Why did he need that from me?
While my eyes were fixated on his, I replied, “OK. I promise.”
So I sit in my car under the moonlight trying to make sense of the perfection he described. I don’t understand it.
He called me perfect and then walked away leaving me empty.
If you really think I am all of those things, why don’t you become the man I need you to be? Why won’t you fight for me? Why don’t you love me? Don’t you see that your words instead of edifying me slaughtered me!
I have always struggled with deep feelings of worthlessness and rejection.
Now, Satan is taking full advantage of his rejection; he whispers in my ear, “If you are perfect, then why did he reject you like a dog? You are worthless, no one loves you, you are not worthy of love. Just die!”
Darkness creeps overpowering my entire body. The essence of fear consumes my soul. My heart becomes paralyzed and my mind enters into a cold decaying forest, “No one loves me. I am not worthy of love. I should not be here. If a broken man can reject what he calls perfection, then it must not be perfection at all. Just take me away!”
My phone rings.
It’s my prayer warrior. I answer crying hysterically.
She’s asking me, “What’s wrong?”
I’m consumed by fear, but I know if I do not tell her I will remain in this state forever.
I push through the fear and I tell her, “I feel deep pain. I feel so alone, so alone, nobody loves me! I feel so worthless, so worthless! I don’t know how to come back from this. I feel I’m going to die.”
“No. No! The devil is a liar! Rebuke this in the name of Jesus of Nazareth. You are going to get out of this right now!”
She begins to pray a powerful prayer rebuking Satan, feelings of worthlessness, and fear.
She does something that takes me by surprise, “Come on help me! You know Scripture better than I do. You are a prayer warrior, a princess, daughter of the Almighty. You belong to the LORD, don’t let Satan treat you like this. Come on, tell me, what does the LORD say about You? What does Scripture say about who you are in Christ?”
With a deep hole in my chest I begin to recite Scripture, “He says. That. I. Am. Wonderfully made. That. I have been sealed by the Holy Spirit. That I have been created in perfection. In Christ I am whole and I. I lack nothing. I lack nothing. He says that. I am loved. That I am the head and not the tail. The LORD says that He knows all of the hairs on my head. He knows what I am thinking. Even before I say it….
He knows me….
The LORD knows me!
I am not alone.
And I am worthy of love. He loves me! And you love me. And my family loves me. And my friends love me. And God the LORD has my future in his hands and my future love is in his hands. He is working everything for His glory and our good. The Lord says I am perfect in every way.”
The LORD used her that night to save me from the continuum labyrinth my mind was trapped in.
I assure her I am well now; we hang up after telling each other we love each other in Christ’s love.