I know You care. You love me. I look to You. What am I supposed to do with these emotions? I don’t know what to do with these thoughts and my desires!
I used to wonder, “Why should I desire anything at all if I will never be able to have it? Why give life to those who wonder aimlessly?”
Recently, it does not matter anymore. I’ve held onto my life for far too long. I surrender, my life is better off in Your hands. Holy Spirit You are the power. You give the fire and I am the temple. Every desire compared to You is nothing!
My passion grows. I feel responsible for the people and their hearts. I have asked You to give me hands to heal them; to touch their hearts and heal them.
The people, they seem so much more important than my desires; these desires that developed as I left childhood and became a woman. But, the people matter so much more. They are heavy in my heart. Expand my heart to love them well. I want to love them well.
I breathe in. I close my eyes….
Everything freezes. My world stops spinning.
I can feel You in this quiet second of life. My spirit asks You to take me home, there is nothing for me here. I am not satisfied. I am not filled. How much longer will this last? This overwhelming feeling? This restless heart? These overpowering thoughts? These helpless desires? When will this all stop? If You won’t use me, if You don’t need me, just take me Home!!!
He sat across from me. He shared with me these same words. Words he uses with You as well, “If You won’t use me, if You don’t need me, just take me Home. There is nothing for me here.” I looked into his expressive beautiful brown eyes feeling his words enter the inmost part of my being. He used Word. For Word. Everything I say to You. I wanted to tell him I feel the same way, but I could not. Yet, every word of his was merging with my soul.
Lord, give rest to these beating drums, these restless hearts…..
I breathe out. I open my eyes and I see a decaying world.
But, You. You remain constant in this decaying world. I need You! I need You to satisfy me! Satisfy my decaying heart! I have nothing! But, You!
Abba. Abba. Abba. Abba, You say You are Enough. Then be Enough!
Like a baby cradle me in Your arms as I fall asleep. Jesus. I don’t know what to pray for anymore. Just hold my heart. Hold me tight. Just hold me.