My Note to a Brother in Christ

God has been teaching this to me the last few months: to feel the pain and not dismiss it. I tried so hard to run away from pain that I drugged myself with everything I could before I knew Christ. When I met Christ I drugged myself with Him. I was using God instead of allowing Him to heal me. In class we are reading a book and it talks about feeling pain. Now, I see the beauty in pain and suffering. It’s how we grow into being more like Christ. It’s how we learn to love others. Do you remember when we went to eat at Three Arts Club […]

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Lord of My Heart

Lord of my heart give me discernment to know your ways. I sit still, but the inner currents are overtaking me, they are about the drawn me! Lord of my heart fill my mind with thoughts of you. I used to be filled of you. I used to lay on my bed with peace. Then I heard his mesmerizing voice and an area in my heart was woken up. How I despise this! Save me Lord of my heart! I have spaces that aren’t filled. I have spaces that yearn. Lord of my heart be one with me! Walk with me. Talk with me. Let your presence be my light. […]

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But, You

Jesus! I know You care. You love me. I look to You. What am I supposed to do with these emotions? I don’t know what to do with these thoughts and my desires! I used to wonder, “Why should I desire anything at all if I will never be able to have it? Why give life to those who wonder aimlessly?” Recently, it does not matter anymore. I’ve held onto my life for far too long. I surrender, my life is better off in Your hands. Holy Spirit You are the power. You give the fire and I am the temple. Every desire compared to You is nothing! My passion […]

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Resurgence

I laid on the cruel floor and my heart, oh my heart; I thought it was going to erupt. I pressed my hands against my chest to contain the beats of my heart in place. One, two: I could not feel my hands anymore; they dropped beside my body. Three, four: I could not feel my tongue and my lips dried up. I could not speak. Five, six: I think I stopped breathing. Seven, eight: It took eight seconds to wake up to the truth that I did not want to die. I was not ready to face a wrathful God. I was experiencing a drug overdose. I took many […]

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Living with PTSD

I used to be afraid of the night falls and the darkness of my bedroom. I used to ask the Lord, “Don’t make night come tonight, don’t let me fall asleep,” but when the night did come I turned on my lamps and I read my Bible until I would fall asleep. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with horrifying images on my mind. I once dreamed about a bloody demon devouring a child with his sharp teeth. There was tender flesh dripping from his mouth and he laughed endlessly. The background screams of people in agonizing pain were chilling. Military death scenes seem less frightening than these dreams. I’d cry for […]

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The Irving Effect (T.I.E) Movement Inauguration Night: A Night of Healing

I approached the Cicero Stadium with expectancy, as I walked up the stairs to the event I was impacted by the type of music they were playing. They played Christ filled music and I found myself engorged with the Spirit of God; perhaps because I and my prayer team from church had been praying about the event the entire week and the presence of God heavily lingered within me. I stepped into the gymnasium where many young people finished decorating the altar running down the bleachers in which two huge drawings stood. The drawing on the left depicted Christ Jesus, whereas the drawing on the right depicted Mary. A Cross formed […]

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That they May Know the Lord

After the church service my son and I stopped to eat to a nearby restaurant in Rogers Park. Outside of the restaurant on the sidewalk sat a homeless man. I observed him through the large, clear widow as I chatted with my boy; his blue sweeter was torn and his shoes had holes. I told Nico to look over at the man. He asked, “Are we going to help him?” Sure enough, we bought some food for him. We left the restaurant and approached the man. We asked him if we could sit next to him. Without a care in the world He said yes. The man was shaking and he spoke with a […]

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You Alone

And with everything You have given me, I have nothing. To all of the places You have taken me, I’ve been nowhere. And with everything You have shown me, I know nothing. All of the beauty in the mirror is nothing. And all of my innerself is non-existing. I am nothing, but a soul seeking a place to rest. I am nothing without You guiding me. I cannot see. My vision is not clear if I do not see You. I am lost without You; in an everlasting forest without veggitation. And all of Your words mean nothing, if You yourself have not entered in me. Any wisdom is nothing. Any […]

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If I Were Him

If I were him I would acknowledge God as my Lord and then I would become a man of honor. If I were him I would become brave by allowing myself to fall in love. If I were him I would strengthen my heart in God in order to fight for her. I would climb high mountains just to touch her essence. If I were him I would swim across wide oceans to show her that I am worthy of her. If I were him I would conquer her heart by giving her my undivided attention. I’d look into her soul. I’d know her deepest thoughts. If I were him […]

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I Have a Void

I have a void. I have a hole in the middle of my chest that slowly creeps across my body consuming it with utter darkness. I have a void. Although, I’ve filled myself with temporary pleasures, I’ve found nothing to be satisfying. I have a void. I have dwelled among the spiritually crippled and among the spiritually rich; yet, I still have this consuming void. I remember the little girl cocooned in fear and rejection. Today, I feel loved and completely, completely accepted by the body of Christ. But, I still have this consuming void. I have been loved by the man of my desires and I have loved too. […]

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