Dominant Influences of My Cultural Shaping Part 2: The Horrid Pain Behind the Truth

The horrendous and abusive language I’d hear from my mom’s boyfriend led me to believe that Hispanic people are weak, needy, and unloyal people. He’d also say horrible things about white people and blacks, so naturally I developed a twisted belief system that white people with blond hair and blues eyes are to be feared and African Americans are abusive. My mother’s boyfriend never explicitly said I could not play with black kids, but I intrinsically knew I should not. The only neighborhood children I’d play with were the Polish kids or the white kids with darker features, mainly the Italian kids. These belief systems were reinforced in elementary school […]

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Dominant Influences of My Cultural Shaping Part 1

My ethnic and cultural background comes from my Mexican, Spanish, and American cultures. My Mexican and Spanish ethnicities gave me the ability to call myself Aztec/European princess since I am a descendant of both the Aztecs and those who conquered them, the Spaniards; both my Mexican and Spanish cultures gave me the gift of my romantic Spanish language. Its somewhat odd to me that I often find myself checking the “white” box when the “Hispanic” option is not present; odd because I do not consider myself white, nor do I look white. Yet, I often hear the expressions “white Hispanic” or “non-Hispanic whites” and both have a completely different connotation. I […]

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Messy Like a Child in the Father’s Presence

It is soooo much easier to be messy than to be on point. That’s why I’m learning to rest in God’s grace and love in the mist of my short comings, fears, doubts, faithlessness, and weaknesses. Me talking to myself, “It’s ok. It’s ok babe.” I was feeling weird one morning. I didn’t know why. I wasn’t feeling sad nor negative, nor discontentment, nor tired. Just weird. But I was desiring love from the Father. I got on my knees and rested my head against the edge of my bed. As I listened to the song “I Surrender,” YHWH encountered me. His loving arms came and hugged me. His face […]

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Can You Perceive What God Has Begun to Do?

I find myself here, now, attuned to the present. I am trying to create new memories, memories that will one day bring me joy. I am done thinking about past pain. As I live in the present, I find that the chaos of the world has not affected my mental status; all because my mind is focused on God, my dreams, and the goodness that is present now.  I know that there is a temptation to live in the past–whether good or bad–especially because this season has been hard. I once had such an amazing experience! So much so that when it ended I tried so hard to replicate those three […]

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Like the Demanding Reach of the Peaking Pines

My entire life I’ve felt inadequate and powerless, which led me to comparison. These have touched on my most basic need of worth and safety. I want my worth to be noticed. I want my worth to be appreciated. I want my worth to be celebrated. I want stability. I want to have inner and outer peace. Inadequacy has told me I am not beautiful enough, or smart enough, or loved enough. Or that I’m not lovable. Powerlessness has told me that everything evil will overpower or that I will always be in a dark hole. These have led me to break friendships with amazing people because I unconsciously felt […]

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Masculinity Can Heal a Woman’s Heart

Today (April 24, 2020), for class I had to counsel a peer (in this class I was the only female all semester long, which I believe was God’s way of bringing healing to my heart concerning masculinity). For those of you who don’t know, counseling classes are usually packed with women, not men. So this was such a GOD thing! 😜 In counseling him, he opened up a section of his heart I don’t believe he does with many. He shared a poem with me that he wrote about an encounter he had with Jesus as an infant. God cuddled him and breathe life to him as he was dying. […]

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Pain is Preceded by Strength

My body is constantly in pain. If its not my legs, its my arms, or my back, or my pecs. It’s ok though, this pain is completely optional since I’m choosing to train my body by weight lifting. I began weight train a little over 1.5 years ago to give myself the chance to live healthier for as long as I am on earth. I want to be strong, agile, and youthful to be able to focus on my duties and dreams. Isn’t amazing how strength can only come from stretching and the tearing of the muscle simultaneously as you rest and feed your body exactly what it needs. Since […]

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Sweet Memory: A Romantic Tender Rejection

Last summer I told a guy how I felt about him. I was trying to pull a Ruth. Haha. He confessed he has felt the same towards me for years. He said that he really admired me and thought highly of me. He went on to list all the qualities he loved about me. He also added that he had a lot of issues to work through; he alluded to sexual issues. He had an expression of sadness and self-disappointment on his face as he confessed, “I do not want to put you through my struggles and my pain. It would not be fair to you.” He strongly suggested that I […]

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My Note to a Brother in Christ

God has been teaching this to me the last few months: to feel the pain and not dismiss it. I tried so hard to run away from pain that I drugged myself with everything I could before I knew Christ. When I met Christ I drugged myself with Him. I was using God instead of allowing Him to heal me. In class we are reading a book and it talks about feeling pain. Now, I see the beauty in pain and suffering. It’s how we grow into being more like Christ. It’s how we learn to love others. Do you remember when we went to eat at Three Arts Club […]

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Lord of My Heart

Lord of my heart give me discernment to know your ways. I sit still, but the inner currents are overtaking me, they are about the drawn me! Lord of my heart fill my mind with thoughts of you. I used to be filled of you. I used to lay on my bed with peace. Then I heard his mesmerizing voice and an area in my heart was woken up. How I despise this! Save me Lord of my heart! I have spaces that aren’t filled. I have spaces that yearn. Lord of my heart be one with me! Walk with me. Talk with me. Let your presence be my light. […]

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