Divine Desires (Part One)

My biggest desire since I was eighteen years old was to know God. I wanted to experientially know (ginosko) God. An overwhelming desire came upon me to intimately and personally know the father. I craved Him. I yearned for His love. Thus for a whole year I cut ties from the outer world. I’d get home from work and I’d indulge myself in scripture from 6:30 pm until I’d fall asleep. Countless hours in my bedroom while my eye were clued to bible pages, this thick, incomparable God jumped out of the pages and into my soul. He surrounded me. I would work 9 am to 6 pm, and every waking second […]

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Thank You! To All of My Father Figures, Brother Figures, Professors, and Mentors

Thank you! To all of my father figures, brother figures, professors, and mentors; those of you who over the years created space for me to grown in many different capacities. This lock down has given me the time and space to reflect on the gift you have been. God placed you in my life to heal pieces of my distorted belief system concerning masculinity and I just want to thank you. I did not spend much time with some of you, but the brief interactions we had were more than enough, God used your character to mend my heart, so thank you. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Thank you for noticing […]

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My Note to a Brother in Christ

God has been teaching this to me the last few months: to feel the pain and not dismiss it. I tried so hard to run away from pain that I drugged myself with everything I could before I knew Christ. When I met Christ I drugged myself with Him. I was using God instead of allowing Him to heal me. In class we are reading a book and it talks about feeling pain. Now, I see the beauty in pain and suffering. It’s how we grow into being more like Christ. It’s how we learn to love others. Do you remember when we went to eat at Three Arts Club […]

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You are Perfect in Every Way

“Worthless. Worthless! Worthless!! Worthless!!! Worthless!!!! Worthless!!!!!” A tempest of tears stream from my eyes down to my hoodie. I can’t make since of the perfection he listed with such detail: “You are perfect in every way. I love everything about you; the way you think, the way you carry yourself. You are confident and beautiful inside and out. I love your heart, the way you love God, you are obedient to Him and you have compassion for people. I love your smile and your dimples. I love the powerful woman you have become and you’re only going to get better. Damn. You are perfect in every way. You live a […]

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To God Be the Glory

To God be the glory. Yes, to God be the glory! For His Son as atonement for my sin. Even though my heart is torn to pieces. Even though I am lost. For the first time in my life I do not know how to come to the glorious God. But to God be the glory. Yes, to God be the glory. For His yielded life. If I have anything at all let it be my offering. The truth is I am torn inside. But to God be the glory, my glorious King. For His perfect redemption. Take my broken pieces; if they offend you put them back together. I […]

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Lord of My Heart

Lord of my heart give me discernment to know your ways. I sit still, but the inner currents are overtaking me, they are about the drawn me! Lord of my heart fill my mind with thoughts of you. I used to be filled of you. I used to lay on my bed with peace. Then I heard his mesmerizing voice and an area in my heart was woken up. How I despise this! Save me Lord of my heart! I have spaces that aren’t filled. I have spaces that yearn. Lord of my heart be one with me! Walk with me. Talk with me. Let your presence be my light. […]

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Your Wondrous Cross

  I yearn the days of old when your wondrous cross satisfied my need. Your cross is my richest gain and yet I find myself feeling empty. I look up and I see a distant God, You are far from me. How? How did I disconnect my heart from Your bleeding sacrifice? Why? I find myself fighting to gain that which I lost many years ago. It’s ironic, it never belonged to me. I want your blessing. Is this what You want as well? I have pride, but I despise it. I find myself boasting. I do not want to offend you. I’m not sure if I’m after vain things […]

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I Imagine You

It enters my mind like a sweet gentle breeze; the instrumental music that moves my soul. I close my eyes and listen carefully to the vibrations of the compositions: Song from a Secret Garden, Moon Light Sonata, Love Story and many more. I imagine you. You approach me with caution. You seem unsure of my reaction. If you only knew. I have always been here, waiting. You can come. Approach me and dance with me this sweet melody. If you extend your hand to me in gentleness and sure pursuit of me, I will respond with grace and a smile (the sweet smile you love so much, on my face […]

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God Loves Me for Me

this, that, This, That, THIS, THAT!!! AHHH!!! It’s 1:00 am and I have so many infectious thoughts burning through my brain. I can’t handle them! I hug my white fluffy pillow with all my might as I curl myself up on my bed. I pretend it’s the God of heavens who comforts me. I beg, “Abba, take this away, I don’t want it. I want to be like you, but I am filled with doubt, jealousy, and mistrust, and I do not feel worthy. I am so unworthy!” I scream from the depths of this agony. I need my Lord to rescue me from myself. I hope to feel His presence. But […]

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But, You

Jesus! I know You care. You love me. I look to You. What am I supposed to do with these emotions? I don’t know what to do with these thoughts and my desires! I used to wonder, “Why should I desire anything at all if I will never be able to have it? Why give life to those who wonder aimlessly?” Recently, it does not matter anymore. I’ve held onto my life for far too long. I surrender, my life is better off in Your hands. Holy Spirit You are the power. You give the fire and I am the temple. Every desire compared to You is nothing! My passion […]

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