I Know You Immensely

My son I know that you are about to become a full man and you have never known the love of a father. You have never known true and unconditional affection from a godly man. I know that this has affected your identity and your view of God in ways you cannot yet articulate. This is what stings me. This is the one thing that I cannot fix for you. I need you to understand how immensely I know you and how profoundly I see your heart. Allow me to tell you what I see in your heart: I don’t know if my mother loves me enough. Why did she have […]

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Absolution of My Heart

I stare at the pond outside of my window. The water moves with ease, it seems to be enchanted by mellow winds. My eyes capture the dancing movements of the tall pines surrounding the pond. I think to myself, “I wish I was the movement the wind produces in nature.” I sit on the comfort of my white cotton bed sheets as I ponder, “Where is this coming from? What is the need of my heart?” And then this thought comes in, “I want to have a light heart.” I smile because this thought gives me so much pleasure. I enter in dialog with God. He whispers, “The old is […]

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The Romanian-Persian Prince

I didn’t notice I absorbed all of his pain. His heart became mine and I grieved. I grieved over his suffering, but he did not take notice. He did not care. How could he? He has been numb for far too long. He was incapable of noticing how I grieved over his broken heart; his paralyzed heart did not allow him too. He admitted once that he was broken, but he could not pinpoint the origin of his suffering. I could. Not only did I know its origin, but I, I merged with it. I know the burning fire that comes from being rapped. I took it upon my shoulders […]

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You are Perfect in Every Way

“Worthless. Worthless! Worthless!! Worthless!!! Worthless!!!! Worthless!!!!!” A tempest of tears stream from my eyes down to my hoodie. I can’t make since of the perfection he listed with such detail: “You are perfect in every way. I love everything about you; the way you think, the way you carry yourself. You are confident and beautiful inside and out. I love your heart, the way you love God, you are obedient to Him and you have compassion for people. I love your smile and your dimples. I love the powerful woman you have become and you’re only going to get better. Damn. You are perfect in every way. You live a […]

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Your Wondrous Cross

  I yearn the days of old when your wondrous cross satisfied my need. Your cross is my richest gain and yet I find myself feeling empty. I look up and I see a distant God, You are far from me. How? How did I disconnect my heart from Your bleeding sacrifice? Why? I find myself fighting to gain that which I lost many years ago. It’s ironic, it never belonged to me. I want your blessing. Is this what You want as well? I have pride, but I despise it. I find myself boasting. I do not want to offend you. I’m not sure if I’m after vain things […]

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God Loves Me for Me

this, that, This, That, THIS, THAT!!! AHHH!!! It’s 1:00 am and I have so many infectious thoughts burning through my brain. I can’t handle them! I hug my white fluffy pillow with all my might as I curl myself up on my bed. I pretend it’s the God of heavens who comforts me. I beg, “Abba, take this away, I don’t want it. I want to be like you, but I am filled with doubt, jealousy, and mistrust, and I do not feel worthy. I am so unworthy!” I scream from the depths of this agony. I need my Lord to rescue me from myself. I hope to feel His presence. But […]

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Raised by the Hand of The Lord

Satan was supreme over me. I felt abandoned and exposed to the cold rain. My thoughts were saturated with darkness as he whispered lies into my gullible teenage ears, “He will amount to nothing as you are. I will do with him as I did with you. I will scar his body, send him deep into the abyss of bondage, and I will murder his dreams one-by-one. You and your generations are beneath me.” I gave birth to my baby. He looked defenseless clinging unto me as a baby bird clings under his mother’s wings for shelter. I held him tight in my fragile arms burdened by my reality, “Our lives have been set. Everything points […]

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Solo Recuerdos

Camino con mí cabeza en alto. Cada paso que doy es firme como una roca entre las olas del mar. Cada paso es determinante. Camino confidente sobré el piso de la casa de mi Creador. Pero. Cada paso que doy representa un recuerdo más; uno más de aquel humano que marcaba mi cuerpo de la edad de cinco con sus manos de pecado. Si, vivo en la casa de mi Creador y tengo paz externa. Soy amada y tengo todo lo que necesito, pero en mi mente viven esos recuerdos. Algunos días más que otros me acompañan los recuerdos. Yo lloraba, pero ahora soy una mujer poderosa. Vivo bajo la […]

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I am Ana/Stasia

I battle demons that won’t let me rest, I shouted out into the airs, they hurled and turned away from me. “Anita you are an orphan,” his words echoed into the deepest oceans of my hurting heart. Yes, I always felt like an orphan walking naked through the darkest nights. Although, I was breastfeed, never did she hold me tight. I tried hugging her legs because I was terrified; she pushed me away and then placed me in a crib. This is when the demon came. He stood in front of me watching me breathe. She failed to protect my innocence. O, how haunted I am by the distant memories. […]

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Jesus is the Wise Man

Advent is a time to prepare for Christ’s coming. There are many gospels that talks about how we must be ready to welcome Jesus into our hearts. There is one gospel that particularly sticks out to me. Jesus says,”…I will liken unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, & the floods came, & the winds blew, & beat upon that house; and it fell not:for it was founded upon a rock…” (Matthew 7:21-29)   This language is figurative in the sense that the rock is meant to stand for God. We have to build a solid foundation, relationship, with God. This relationship consists […]

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