Like the Demanding Reach of the Peaking Pines

My entire life I’ve felt inadequate and powerless, which led me to comparison. These have touched on my most basic need of worth and safety. I want my worth to be noticed. I want my worth to be appreciated. I want my worth to be celebrated. I want stability. I want to have inner and outer peace. Inadequacy has told me I am not beautiful enough, or smart enough, or loved enough. Or that I’m not lovable. Powerlessness has told me that everything evil will overpower or that I will always be in a dark hole. These have led me to break friendships with amazing people because I unconsciously felt […]

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I’m Grateful Part Two: Partnering Up with Love

I think we can all agree that 2020 has not been what we had planned for. It sure has not for me. First, the pandemic disrupted my life, as was yours; and then, I ended up in the hospital for seven days (not covid related) in airborne isolation. I shared on New Year’s Eve 2019 about my health scare that began May 2019, you can read about it here. This year, my condition worsen. The nodules they found last year in my lungs got bigger and now had wholes (which doctors said it’s not normal). I had more than 7 specialist treating me and ordering blood tests, CT scans, biopsies, […]

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I Felt Pain

I can’t hardly breathe. It feels like I’m drowning. I can hear myself gasping for air. I feel complete desperation for fresh air, the one I’m inhaling feels toxic. I shift my attention to my chest: I feel a pressure that cannot be released; this pressure appears black and deep in my imagination, as thought it were a whole in my chest. There’s a choking sensation in my throat. I can’t talk. My head hurts. I’m thinking a billion thoughts per millisecond. Fear. Mistrust. Sorrow. Melancholy. These thoughts are causing me to cry. I feel warm tears stream from my eyes to my cheeks; they rest there and become cold. […]

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Faith Over Fear in a World of Sexual Sin

One of my favorite mentors Spencer Robbins said to me, “I’ve found that 98% of men I’ve met, deal or have dealt with sexual struggles- specifically porn and masturbating. The rare breeds are the ones that run after breaking free from shame and are willing to do whatever it takes to get free from those behaviors and connect with love.” Haven been sexually abused as a child I always run away from potential relationships when I notice or when the guy tells me of his sexual struggles. This is the biggest trigger for me. I am not willing to stay and even discuss their sexual issues because I feel that’s […]

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Relationship Status: Single, Unmarried, No Children

This week a beloved friend of mine came into my office seeking comfort about her life status. She began to say, “I’m not married and I want to have a baby. I have baby fever. I see babies everywhere. My Facebook news feed is full of baby posts. I don’t like my body all the way, and I don’t have the things I want to have.” I listened carefully as I sat behind my desk watching her down caste appearance, thinking to myself, “What? You have it all together. You only need one thing. Ok two. Your licence to practice and Jesus.” She continue to speak, but I interrupted her […]

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The Moment She Loved the Man of Blazing Fire

She went into the lion’s den with her entire system shut down. She shut down her womanhood and any sense to feel. She activated the numbness that she has always known. This is the first time she voluntarily numbed herself. She used the very emotion that crippled her for so many years to build up a wall, only to protect her heart and her body. She knew that if she did not, she would come out of there more crippled than ever before. She would have merged with him and she would have lost herself. She would have become Harley Quinn in the Joker’s essence. He would have become a […]

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Seven Years Gone

I wanted you to love me! Seven years, Seven years of wanting you to love me. How strange the human heart is…… Seven years of you in my mind. Seven years of you in my heart. And now, now, now it’s gone. It makes no sense at all how the human heart can change over night. Mine changed over night. It changed over night. I wanted you to love me! I wanted you to love me. Seven years gone by. Seven years gone gone gone gone gone gone. The Lord was wise to say: “The human heart is deceiving.” Mine deceived me well. I would have walked through the fire […]

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