Lord of My Heart

Lord of my heart give me discernment to know your ways. I sit still, but the inner currents are overtaking me, they are about the drawn me! Lord of my heart fill my mind with thoughts of you. I used to be filled of you. I used to lay on my bed with peace. Then I heard his mesmerizing voice and an area in my heart was woken up. How I despise this! Save me Lord of my heart! I have spaces that aren’t filled. I have spaces that yearn. Lord of my heart be one with me! Walk with me. Talk with me. Let your presence be my light. […]

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Your Wondrous Cross

  I yearn the days of old when your wondrous cross satisfied my need. Your cross is my richest gain and yet I find myself feeling empty. I look up and I see a distant God, You are far from me. How? How did I disconnect my heart from Your bleeding sacrifice? Why? I find myself fighting to gain that which I lost many years ago. It’s ironic, it never belonged to me. I want your blessing. Is this what You want as well? I have pride, but I despise it. I find myself boasting. I do not want to offend you. I’m not sure if I’m after vain things […]

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I Imagine You

It enters my mind like a sweet gentle breeze; the instrumental music that moves my soul. I close my eyes and listen carefully to the vibrations of the compositions: Song from a Secret Garden, Moon Light Sonata, Love Story and many more. I imagine you. You approach me with caution. You seem unsure of my reaction. If you only knew. I have always been here, waiting. You can come. Approach me and dance with me this sweet melody. If you extend your hand to me in gentleness and sure pursuit of me, I will respond with grace and a smile (the sweet smile you love so much, on my face […]

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But, You

Jesus! I know You care. You love me. I look to You. What am I supposed to do with these emotions? I don’t know what to do with these thoughts and my desires! I used to wonder, “Why should I desire anything at all if I will never be able to have it? Why give life to those who wonder aimlessly?” Recently, it does not matter anymore. I’ve held onto my life for far too long. I surrender, my life is better off in Your hands. Holy Spirit You are the power. You give the fire and I am the temple. Every desire compared to You is nothing! My passion […]

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Raised by the Hand of The Lord

Satan was supreme over me. I felt abandoned and exposed to the cold rain. My thoughts were saturated with darkness as he whispered lies into my gullible teenage ears, “He will amount to nothing as you are. I will do with him as I did with you. I will scar his body, send him deep into the abyss of bondage, and I will murder his dreams one-by-one. You and your generations are beneath me.” I gave birth to my baby. He looked defenseless clinging unto me as a baby bird clings under his mother’s wings for shelter. I held him tight in my fragile arms burdened by my reality, “Our lives have been set. Everything points […]

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Resurgence

I laid on the cruel floor and my heart, oh my heart; I thought it was going to erupt. I pressed my hands against my chest to contain the beats of my heart in place. One, two: I could not feel my hands anymore; they dropped beside my body. Three, four: I could not feel my tongue and my lips dried up. I could not speak. Five, six: I think I stopped breathing. Seven, eight: It took eight seconds to wake up to the truth that I did not want to die. I was not ready to face a wrathful God. I was experiencing a drug overdose. I took many […]

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Solo Recuerdos

Camino con mí cabeza en alto. Cada paso que doy es firme como una roca entre las olas del mar. Cada paso es determinante. Camino confidente sobré el piso de la casa de mi Creador. Pero. Cada paso que doy representa un recuerdo más; uno más de aquel humano que marcaba mi cuerpo de la edad de cinco con sus manos de pecado. Si, vivo en la casa de mi Creador y tengo paz externa. Soy amada y tengo todo lo que necesito, pero en mi mente viven esos recuerdos. Algunos días más que otros me acompañan los recuerdos. Yo lloraba, pero ahora soy una mujer poderosa. Vivo bajo la […]

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I am Ana/Stasia

I battle demons that won’t let me rest, I shouted out into the airs, they hurled and turned away from me. “Anita you are an orphan,” his words echoed into the deepest oceans of my hurting heart. Yes, I always felt like an orphan walking naked through the darkest nights. Although, I was breastfeed, never did she hold me tight. I tried hugging her legs because I was terrified; she pushed me away and then placed me in a crib. This is when the demon came. He stood in front of me watching me breathe. She failed to protect my innocence. O, how haunted I am by the distant memories. […]

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Living with PTSD

I used to be afraid of the night falls and the darkness of my bedroom. I used to ask the Lord, “Don’t make night come tonight, don’t let me fall asleep,” but when the night did come I turned on my lamps and I read my Bible until I would fall asleep. I’d wake up in the middle of the night with horrifying images on my mind. I once dreamed about a bloody demon devouring a child with his sharp teeth. There was tender flesh dripping from his mouth and he laughed endlessly. The background screams of people in agonizing pain were chilling. Military death scenes seem less frightening than these dreams. I’d cry for […]

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I’m Here

These demons taunt me every night and I often cannot sleep well. But, I’m here. I sin against you with my thoughts and I don’t always agree with you. But, I’m here. I’m repeatedly wrong, very, very wrong. But, I’m here. I’m a very emotional being and I regularly make so many mistakes, so many. But, I’m here. I say the wrong things, my tongue speeds to speak evil. But, I’m here. I see the faces of those I offend with my boldness (which numerous times isn’t wise). But, I’m here. I have idols in my heart. I often want to stray away from you when the world seems appetizing […]

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