Deconstructing a Child’s Identity

Her little eyes were fixed on the perfected marching ants. She followed them until she lost sight of them. She giggled to herself as she thought out a mischief. The little girl skipped all the way home singing songs out loud. She’d say things like, “Mommy look, the moon is following me,” or asked questions such as, “Is the sun a ball of fire or is it long spaghetti strings of light going in different directions?” She though herself a princess, literally. She wore her mothers heels and ruled her world. In her mind. She intrinsically knew God loved her and she felt powerful. This five year old was fierce […]

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I Know You Immensely

My son I know that you are about to become a full man and you have never known the love of a father. You have never known true and unconditional affection from a godly man. I know that this has affected your identity and your view of God in ways you cannot yet articulate. This is what stings me. This is the one thing that I cannot fix for you. I need you to understand how immensely I know you and how profoundly I see your heart. Allow me to tell you what I see in your heart: I don’t know if my mother loves me enough. Why did she have […]

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Absolution of My Heart

I stare at the pond outside of my window. The water moves with ease, it seems to be enchanted by mellow winds. My eyes capture the dancing movements of the tall pines surrounding the pond. I think to myself, “I wish I was the movement the wind produces in nature.” I sit on the comfort of my white cotton bed sheets as I ponder, “Where is this coming from? What is the need of my heart?” And then this thought comes in, “I want to have a light heart.” I smile because this thought gives me so much pleasure. I enter in dialog with God. He whispers, “The old is […]

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The Romanian-Persian Prince

I didn’t notice I absorbed all of his pain. His heart became mine and I grieved. I grieved over his suffering, but he did not take notice. He did not care. How could he? He has been numb for far too long. He was incapable of noticing how I grieved over his broken heart; his paralyzed heart did not allow him too. He admitted once that he was broken, but he could not pinpoint the origin of his suffering. I could. Not only did I know its origin, but I, I merged with it. I know the burning fire that comes from being rapped. I took it upon my shoulders […]

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My Note to a Brother in Christ

God has been teaching this to me the last few months: to feel the pain and not dismiss it. I tried so hard to run away from pain that I drugged myself with everything I could before I knew Christ. When I met Christ I drugged myself with Him. I was using God instead of allowing Him to heal me. In class we are reading a book and it talks about feeling pain. Now, I see the beauty in pain and suffering. It’s how we grow into being more like Christ. It’s how we learn to love others. Do you remember when we went to eat at Three Arts Club […]

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The Moment She Loved the Man of Blazing Fire

She went into the lion’s den with her entire system shut down. She shut down her womanhood and any sense to feel. She activated the numbness that she has always known. This is the first time she voluntarily numbed herself. She used the very emotion that crippled her for so many years to build up a wall, only to protect her heart and her body. She knew that if she did not, she would come out of there more crippled than ever before. She would have merged with him and she would have lost herself. She would have become Harley Quinn in the Joker’s essence. He would have become a […]

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Seven Years Gone

I wanted you to love me! Seven years, Seven years of wanting you to love me. How strange the human heart is…… Seven years of you in my mind. Seven years of you in my heart. And now, now, now it’s gone. It makes no sense at all how the human heart can change over night. Mine changed over night. It changed over night. I wanted you to love me! I wanted you to love me. Seven years gone by. Seven years gone gone gone gone gone gone. The Lord was wise to say: “The human heart is deceiving.” Mine deceived me well. I would have walked through the fire […]

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Smile at Me

Seven years gone with the wind. Seven years gone like the wind. You made them dissipate. They dissipated with your smile. Something ignited within me the Spring night I walked pass by you. You smiled at me, but I kept walking. I did not smile back, I must have been asleep. I think your smile woke me up. I had a dream last night: The atmosphere witnessed our desperate love. We both clung onto each other, a moment spend away from one another was treacherous. I woke up. I handed the dream over to the Lord. I gave you over to the Lord. I asked Him to do His will and admonished Him, […]

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I’m Bruised

My heart is bruised. My mind decaying. The silence. It causes chaos. This darkness. It’s never ending. I stand on waters in the middle of the sea with surrounding roaring winds. I fall to my knees, but I do not sink. I cannot worship. I cannot scream. I’m choking. “Where is your God? Oh my soul, Where is your God?” He sits on His throne with Might and Power. His eyes of blazing fire, hair like white snow, and burnished bronze feet. He sits…. What are you doing up there? Can’t you see me?! Look at me! Don’t ignore me! It feels like you are tearing my heart apart. I’m […]

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You are Perfect in Every Way

“Worthless. Worthless! Worthless!! Worthless!!! Worthless!!!! Worthless!!!!!” A tempest of tears stream from my eyes down to my hoodie. I can’t make since of the perfection he listed with such detail: “You are perfect in every way. I love everything about you; the way you think, the way you carry yourself. You are confident and beautiful inside and out. I love your heart, the way you love God, you are obedient to Him and you have compassion for people. I love your smile and your dimples. I love the powerful woman you have become and you’re only going to get better. Damn. You are perfect in every way. You live a […]

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