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Dominant Influences of My Cultural Shaping Part 2: The Horrid Pain Behind the Truth

The horrendous and abusive language I’d hear from my mom’s boyfriend led me to believe that Hispanic people are weak, needy, and unloyal people. He’d also say horrible things about white people and blacks, so naturally I developed a twisted belief system that white people with blond hair and blues eyes are to be feared and African Americans are abusive. My mother’s boyfriend never explicitly said I could not play with black kids, but I intrinsically knew I should not. The only neighborhood children I’d play with were the Polish kids or the white kids with darker features, mainly the Italian kids. These belief systems were reinforced in elementary school […]

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Dominant Influences of My Cultural Shaping Part 1

My ethnic and cultural background comes from my Mexican, Spanish, and American cultures. My Mexican and Spanish ethnicities gave me the ability to call myself Aztec/European princess since I am a descendant of both the Aztecs and those who conquered them, the Spaniards; both my Mexican and Spanish cultures gave me the gift of my romantic Spanish language. Its somewhat odd to me that I often find myself checking the “white” box when the “Hispanic” option is not present; odd because I do not consider myself white, nor do I look white. Yet, I often hear the expressions “white Hispanic” or “non-Hispanic whites” and both have a completely different connotation. I […]

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Messy Like a Child in the Father’s Presence

It is soooo much easier to be messy than to be on point. That’s why I’m learning to rest in God’s grace and love in the mist of my short comings, fears, doubts, faithlessness, and weaknesses. Me talking to myself, “It’s ok. It’s ok babe.” I was feeling weird one morning. I didn’t know why. I wasn’t feeling sad nor negative, nor discontentment, nor tired. Just weird. But I was desiring love from the Father. I got on my knees and rested my head against the edge of my bed. As I listened to the song “I Surrender,” YHWH encountered me. His loving arms came and hugged me. His face […]

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Can You Perceive What God Has Begun to Do?

I find myself here, now, attuned to the present. I am trying to create new memories, memories that will one day bring me joy. I am done thinking about past pain. As I live in the present, I find that the chaos of the world has not affected my mental status; all because my mind is focused on God, my dreams, and the goodness that is present now.  I know that there is a temptation to live in the past–whether good or bad–especially because this season has been hard. I once had such an amazing experience! So much so that when it ended I tried so hard to replicate those three […]

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Like the Demanding Reach of the Peaking Pines

My entire life I’ve felt inadequate and powerless, which led me to comparison. These have touched on my most basic need of worth and safety. I want my worth to be noticed. I want my worth to be appreciated. I want my worth to be celebrated. I want stability. I want to have inner and outer peace. Inadequacy has told me I am not beautiful enough, or smart enough, or loved enough. Or that I’m not lovable. Powerlessness has told me that everything evil will overpower or that I will always be in a dark hole. These have led me to break friendships with amazing people because I unconsciously felt […]

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Masculinity Can Heal a Woman’s Heart

Today (April 24, 2020), for class I had to counsel a peer (in this class I was the only female all semester long, which I believe was God’s way of bringing healing to my heart concerning masculinity). For those of you who don’t know, counseling classes are usually packed with women, not men. So this was such a GOD thing! 😜 In counseling him, he opened up a section of his heart I don’t believe he does with many. He shared a poem with me that he wrote about an encounter he had with Jesus as an infant. God cuddled him and breathe life to him as he was dying. […]

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A Mother-Daughter Encounter

I sat next to my mom in the kitchen table. Afraid of her response I timidly asked her, “Can I share something with you?”   Perhaps she had been waiting to hear from me about my life since I was thirteen years old when I began to build thick high mountains between her and me. She immediately said, “Yes. Tell me. I’m all ears,” to which I felt a door had opened wide open.   I said, “I was listening to a preaching on sin and two of my sins were revealed to me. I. Need to honor you as my mom. But. I don’t know how to do that. […]

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Divine Desires (Part One)

My biggest desire since I was eighteen years old was to know God. I wanted to experientially know (ginosko) God. An overwhelming desire came upon me to intimately and personally know the father. I craved Him. I yearned for His love. Thus for a whole year I cut ties from the outer world. I’d get home from work and I’d indulge myself in scripture from 6:30pm until I’d fall asleep. I’d spend countless hours in my bedroom while my eyes were clued to bible pages. This thick, incomparable God jumped out of the pages and into my soul. He surrounded me. I would work 9am to 6pm, and every waking second of […]

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I’m Grateful Part Three: God’s Incomparable Merciful Love

While at my stay in the hospital I re-learned that the “Work” was done by Jesus. All we get to do is rest in His love and presence. That’s our worship; that we love him back, that we trust Him, that we rest in Him because we love and trust His character and His word. Isn’t that so peaceful and beautiful! It’s like we are in the middle of the storm relaxing and He is doing all the fighting for us, He does all the warring for us. We don’t do a thing. We just get to rest. What a powerful God we have that He takes on the load […]

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I’m Grateful Part Two: Partnering Up with Love

I think we can all agree that 2020 has not been what we had planned for. It sure has not for me. First, the pandemic disrupted my life, as was yours; and then, I ended up in the hospital for seven days (not covid related) in airborne isolation. I shared on New Year’s Eve 2019 about my health scare that began May 2019, you can read about it here. This year, my condition worsen. The nodules they found last year in my lungs got bigger and now had wholes (which doctors said it’s not normal). I had more than 7 specialist treating me and ordering blood tests, CT scans, biopsies, […]

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